Do you find that you tend to avoid deep, personal conversations with others? Do you ever shut down when someone asks how you’re feeling? Do you tend to end relationships when they start getting serious?
If these questions resonate with you, you could be emotionally unavailable. Today, we will answer the question, “What does emotionally unavailable mean?”, why you might become emotionally unavailable, and what the signs are, as well as how to become less emotionally unavailable.
How do you define ‘emotionally unavailable'?
So what does it mean to be emotionally unavailable? When you’re emotionally unavailable, you are unable or unwilling to connect with your own and others’ emotions. It may look like struggling to express your feelings, not wanting to be vulnerable, avoiding commitment, or being distant.
Being emotionally unavailable is not a simple black or white matter: you may not necessarily be completely closed off to everyone. There might be someone you feel comfortable sharing a feeling or two with, yet you are largely disconnected from most other people in your life.
Additionally, you can be emotionally unavailable in any relationship, not just one with your significant other. Emotional unavailability can extend to your friendships, family relationships, and even professional relationships with coworkers.
Reasons why you might be emotionally unavailable
As with any behavior, there are a variety of reasons why you might be emotionally unavailable. Emotional unavailability is a learned behavior. That means it was likely modeled by someone in your life as an appropriate way to manage relationships.
Being emotionally unavailable can be a result of:
- trauma – avoiding future hurt after you’ve been betrayed or suffered loss in a previous situation,
- childhood incidents – experiencing a lack of emotional availability from your parents or other caregivers,
- cultural expectations – e.g., learning that expressing certain emotions is a sign of weakness, or
- mental health disorders – some mental health disorders, like depression, anxiety, or PTSD, can cause you to be more distant and detached from your emotions.
Ultimately, emotional unavailability can predispose you to an avoidant attachment style. An avoidant attachment style is one of three unhealthy attachment styles that aligns perfectly with someone who is emotionally unavailable. It is characterized by being emotionally closed off.
10 Signs you may be emotionally unavailable
How do you know if you are emotionally unavailable? You may notice some of the following signs in your own life, or others may observe you exhibiting these behaviors and raise them with you.
- shutting down when discussing your emotions with others,
- avoiding commitment, even if you’re just committing to go to a casual event,
- struggling to relate to other people’s emotions,
- making only shallow connections,
- difficulty providing others with emotional support,
- having short-term relationships,
- lacking trust in others,
- paying inconsistent attention to loved ones,
- keeping information about your past to yourself, and
- dismissing how others are feeling.
How does being emotionally unavailable affect your relationships?
All good relationships need a strong emotional connection. When one person is struggling with emotional unavailability, it can put a significant strain on your relationship.
Your emotional unavailability can lead to your loved ones feeling:
- lonely because you aren’t connecting with them on a deep level,
- unseen if you tend to dismiss how they feel,
- unloved when you won’t commit to them, or
- frustrated due to you fluctuating between spending a lot of time with them and disappearing for periods of time.
5 Steps to becoming less emotionally unavailable
The good news is that since being emotionally unavailable is a learned behavior, it can also be unlearned. The following steps can give you a starting point for addressing your emotional unavailability.
1. Seek out why you might be emotionally unavailable
There are different ways for you to do this. You could do your own research online to find out more about working through emotional unavailability, discuss with family members how you learned to handle your emotions while you were growing up, or reach out to an online therapist, who can help walk with you on your journey of discovery.
2. Take time to practice being more emotionally open
Let a trusted friend or family member know that you are looking to be more emotionally available. Ask this person if they would be willing to have a non-judgemental conversation with you about your feelings, perhaps during a scheduled time every week or month. If you don’t have someone you trust enough to do this with, you could meet with an online therapist for this step as well.
3. Go slow and make small changes
Don’t rush the process. It’s likely you have been emotionally unavailable for many years, so it will take time to learn how to access your emotions. Making too many or very big changes can quickly derail your progress by creating an overwhelming situation.
4. Spend time around people with healthy relationships
Again, because you have to learn to be emotionally unavailable, you can also learn how to be emotionally available. Hanging out with others who seem more able to be empathetic towards others, have deep conversations, and view showing your emotions as a healthy trait can give you a chance to see those behaviors in action.
5. Consider online therapy with Makin Wellness
Overcoming emotional unavailability requires connecting with another person. That may feel like a scary prospect for you, which is why it can sometimes be beneficial to work through your emotions with someone who isn’t close to you.
Online therapy offers you a chance to do exactly that, yet still allow you to keep a bit of distance, hopefully giving you a safe space to open up.
You don’t have to do this on your own
Acknowledging that you may be struggling with being emotionally unavailable is the first step toward restoring your emotional health.
To help you keep going after that first step, Makin Wellness offers confidential online therapy, where you can let your guard down and be vulnerable about your feelings.
Online therapy provides a safe, personalized space to:
- Learn why you might be emotionally unavailable;
- Practice evidence-based techniques, like CBT, with professional guidance;
- Grow your emotional vocabulary; and
- Set goals that reflect your values.
You deserve to know how to handle your emotions in a healthy way. Your Makin Wellness online therapist is here to help with that when you’re ready.
If you are unsure whether online therapy is right for you, don’t worry, your online therapist can help answer any questions you have about tackling why you may be emotionally unavailable.
Call us at (833)-274-heal or click here to schedule an appointment with one of our caring online therapists today.
