How do you know if your relationship is healthy? How can you overcome insecurities in a relationship? Is it time for you to leave your relationship? These are common questions you may ask yourself when facing relationship insecurity.
Many different things can cause relationship insecurity. Often, it results from feeling abandoned, neglected, or not good enough at some earlier point in your life – perhaps because of experiences with your parents, previous romantic relationships, or even platonic relationships.
This article will draw from established psychological research to uncover common insecurities in a relationship, potential causes of relationship insecurity, and ways to overcome unhealthy thoughts and feelings to strengthen both your sense of self and the relationship with your significant other.
Common insecurities in a relationship
There are many signs of insecurity that indicate your relationship may be unhealthy, whether from your perspective or your partner’s.
9 Common indicators of insecurities in a relationship include:
- you or your partner are emotionally distant;
- you lack trust in your relationship and have a hard time believing what your partner says or does;
- your significant other doesn’t want to be around you, even though they previously always wanted to spend time with you;
- your significant other is often upset or irritable;
- your partner often expresses jealousy or controlling behaviors;
- you constantly need reassurance from your partner;
- you frequently find yourself in arguments and fights;
- you have low self-esteem or you lack of trust in yourself; and
- you feel isolated or alone.
Experiencing these signs of relationship insecurity does not always guarantee your relationship is unhealthy, especially if you connect with just one or two of the items on this list.
It’s important to remember that, sometimes, you can feel insecure for reasons outside of your relationship. That’s why it’s essential to process where your thoughts and feelings are coming from, and to find healthy ways to work through them.
If you realize that your insecurity is not rooted in the relationship itself, then understanding the alternative source of that insecurity will be crucial to processing it and navigating a path to better mental health.
Causes of insecurities in a relationship
Feeling insecure in your relationship can be caused by many different things, such as:
- Childhood insecurities: If your parents did not meet your physical and emotional needs when you were growing up, you may have developed an insecure attachment style as a child. Having an insecure attachment style means that you could have a more challenging time trusting your partner, often fearing a repeat of the abandonment and neglect you experienced from your parents.
- Relationship history: Past relationships or bad breakups might leave you feeling insecure about your current relationship if you believe history could repeat itself. It can be hard to let go of past hurts and move on from challenging experiences without fully processing them.
- Lack of self-esteem: These feelings can also be caused by a lack of self-esteem and feeling like you don’t measure up to others.
- Fear of being alone: If you have a fear of being single and think that there is no one else out there for you except your current partner, then this is likely to lead to relationship insecurity when your partner does not act how you would like them to.
- Toxic relationships: Toxic relationships can also leave you feeling insecure because the way an unhealthy partner treats you is likely how you think about yourself.
Ways to overcome relationship insecurity
If you are currently experiencing insecurities in a relationship, know that there are proven ways to work through and overcome them, whether with your partner or on your own.
- Talk about your feelings: This is a huge one. Talk to your partner about what might be causing your insecurity, and be honest about your feelings. They may not even know that their actions or words are impacting you the way they are.
- Get support: Getting outside help or advice from a trusted friend, a family member, or a Makin Wellness online therapist can also help you overcome your insecurity.
- Challenge your thoughts: If you’re struggling with unhealthy or irrational thoughts about yourself and your relationship, it can be helpful to challenge them. When you think these thoughts, journal them and ask yourself if they are accurate – whether there is evidence to back them up.
- Make time for yourself: Having some “you” time to maintain your sense of self and independence is essential. If you’re always focused on your relationship, it can be hard to remember that you are also an individual. Schedule some time each week for things that bring you joy.
- Develop a compassionate mindset: Research in the Journal of the International Association for Relationship Research suggests that focusing more on supporting others – whether that means your partner, your friends, or your family – and thinking less about how to protect your own self-image can actively decrease relationship insecurity.
- Focus on the good: Getting wrapped up in all the uncomfortable things happening in your relationship can be easy. In fact, neurological research suggests our brains are wired with a ‘negativity bias.’ That’s why you have to be intentional about focusing on the good. Remind yourself why you fell in love with your partner in the first place and what you like about them. This can help boost your confidence and overcome insecurities as they arise.
There is no one-size-fits-all answer when navigating relationship insecurity. Instead, the research we have drawn from above suggests the best response to insecurities in a relationship is a balanced one.
That balance means taking time both to work through any internal issues you might be experiencing with the right support and tools and taking steps to support and care for other important relationships as well.
In other words, learning how to ‘love your neighbor as yourself’ by combining self-work (‘as yourself’) with compassion and understanding for others in your life (‘love your neighbor’).
How to deal with insecurities in a relationship?
If you and your partner are willing to work through feelings of insecurity together, here are some tips to help you along the way:
- Set boundaries for your relationship: It’s essential to establish clear communication about what you are comfortable with regarding physical touch, spending time together, and general communication.
- Prioritize alone time: Make sure each of you has enough space away from the other person. This can help you maintain a healthy sense of individuality while feeling secure around one another!
- Identify what triggers you: If certain situations always lead to feelings of insecurity, try to identify them. This can help you know what experiences need extra care, or how to better manage those feelings when they arise.
- Talk about your fears: Talk to your partner if you’re feeling scared or anxious. Create opportunities for them to be compassionate and empathetic towards you. It might help to see their reaction and know they support you.
- Don’t bottle up your feelings: This will only lead to more resentment and frustration. Expressing emotions – especially in a way that invites your partner into empathy – is healthy, so maintain honesty with them about what you are experiencing and why.
- Talk about what’s going on in your relationship: Communicating wants, needs, and the current state of your relationship will help you and your partner feel closer.
- See the good: Focusing on the healthy aspects of your relationship can be really helpful, rather than only noticing the unhealthy elements. Remember that sometimes, when you focus exclusively on the imperfect parts of your relationship, it can overshadow all of the good, in turn causing avoidable issues.
Should I break up with my partner?
If you’re still feeling insecure in your relationship and none of the tips listed above are helping, it may be time to reconsider your relationship status. If you constantly feel anxious or down because of your partner’s behavior, it’s likely not a healthy relationship for you, and it may be time to take a different path.
Other signs that it might be time to break up with someone include:
- they put you down or make fun of you in front of others.
- you’re uncomfortable talking to them about the things bothering you because they have reacted badly to this in the past.
- they don’t seem interested in working on your relationship.
- they communicate, through their words and actions, that your concerns aren’t valid or essential.
- they don’t respect your time or personal space, even when you have expressed clear boundaries about them.
- you don’t feel like you can be yourself when you’re around them.
- you’ve noticed signs of emotional abuse, such as gaslighting or invalidation.
If any of these signs sound familiar, it might be time to break up with your partner and the relationship insecurity that accompanies them. Even though it’s always challenging to decide to end a relationship, it might be your best choice when the red flags outweigh the benefits (and there are no signs of improvement).
If you recognize your partner contributing to relationship insecurity through their patterns of behavior, it’s at least time to take a step back and reevaluate. If they are unwilling to work with you when you express feelings of anxiety or fear, it might be time to end things.
Need more help with feeling insecure?
We understand that trying to navigate these feelings can be incredibly challenging. Learning how to deal with insecurities in a relationship or within yourself requires time, effort, and the right support.
If you are ready and brave enough to face up to your relationship insecurity, a Makin Wellness online therapist can help you discover why you are experiencing this, tools to ease your symptoms, and skills for moving forward in a healthy way.
At Makin Wellness, we offer online therapy and counseling services to support your mental health and build healthier relationships. Make an appointment or call us at (833)-274-heal to be matched with a specialized online therapist today.
This Post Has 21 Comments
I had my bf fb detail and I see he chatting with others girls..sometime he neglect me…and he’s out of the country…..and of recent he change his password ….sine then…my insecurities are high..What should I do
Hi Linda, thanks for sharing your story. We understand how you feel. We’ve felt that way before and found that therapy goes a long way in moving toward healing. Contact our Makin Wellness team today as we’d love to help you develop a plan to work through this.
My partner is a very secured and confident person , since im so afraid of losing her im desperate to agree everything she says and and im so afraid to be alone. I love her so much im a member of LGBTq
Relationship insecurity can be a significant issue for many couples, but this post provides practical tips to help you build a stronger, more secure relationship. It provides insights into the root causes of insecurity and ways to overcome it.
Remember, you deserve to be loved, respected, and treated kindly.
I feel like the male friends she has is coming for my spot and I fear there is nothing I can do to get things back the way they were
My fiancé and I are currently having issues in our relationship. Mostly me feeling insecure about a current interaction with his female colleagues. I stopped by his work I was going to surprise him since I was in the area where he works. I spotted him with one of his coworkers so I kind of stayed close but he didn’t notice I was there. His coworker suddenly got close and started touching him. He didn’t say anything to his coworker or put a stop to it. It opened my eyes so an environment I didn’t even think existed in our relationship. My insecurities started from this point on. I have sat with him and shared the incident with him. All he said was he didn’t find nothing wrong with what had just happened. What should I do in this case when his response was uncertain to me?
I’m sorry you’re experiencing feelings of insecurity within your relationship. We all have boundaries and things that make us feel uncomfortable – which is normal. This seems like a very difficult situation for you, and it might be worthwhile to speak to a counselor, either by yourself or together as a couple to help with the feelings of insecurity but also to help your partner to understand what is bothering you.
My bf and I have been together for two years and life has gotten more busier and reality has hit but we still try to stick together though we are long distanced cause he’s been sick and going in and out of this hospital and I have been understanding even though it’s hard but it has caused him to be depressed and ask for space but he still comes back to me but I have serious relationship insecurities now cause he is so laid back with me,he does not compliment me but like other girls pictures on sm and he also finds it difficult to apologize sometimes…he is a sweet person and gifts me thoughtfully too but the changes are taking a toil on me as I want things as before but we’ve grown now..he is more reserved than I am and doesn’t always talk about his feelings as much as I do as a woman I know he loves me but my insecurities are over the top cause he is so unbothered about this little concerns of mine and says I’m not emotionally matured please what do I do now
I am so sorry you are experiencing some relationship insecurity, Cynthia. Remember that, although you love someone, it is important to communicate your needs and boundaries. Someone who loves you will understand what you are asking for and work toward fulfilling those needs and desires while respecting your personal boundaries. You do not need to accept behavior that continually hurts, makes you feel like you aren’t enough, or as if you are not worth their effort.
If this has been going on for a long time, take time to yourself to determine what type of relationship you want, what is it you need in your relationship, and anything you think you should work on within yourself to create a healthy relationship dynamic.
You may also benefit from talking to a counselor since you mentioned these issues have been going on for a long time. A counselor can greatly help you to understand where the roots of relationship insecurity are coming from, how to change those thought patterns to healthier one, and define what a healthy relationship looks like to you. I hope you find relieve soon!
What a delightful and engaging conversation! Thanks for sharing such an insightful perspective.
Hello,
I have been feeling insecure about my wife and her actions at times. Shes an extremely friendly person. She touches other men, not with bad intentions, when she greets them. Sometimes she even kisses them. When we are out, it can be anywhere, she always notices other attractive men looks at them and makes eye contact with them. i know i might not be the only attractive man out there, but she tells me that she only sees me… and its hard to believe. When she speaks to other men, shes obviously very friendly. that is cool, but Sometimes men might think its okay to flirt with her. She tells me that she knows how to deal with that. I just want to be able to feel comfortable when she goes out with friends, but i dont. Please help.
Hi Renaldo,
It seems like you may be experiencing jealously and insecurities that are affecting your relationship. Trusting your partner to honor your commitment, especially in marriage, is an indication of a strong relationship, but you seem to be having a hard time trusting your wife when she says she can handle if men are overly-friendly towards her. These feelings or insecurities have more to do with how you feel about yourself than to do with your wife, her actions, or if men think it’s ok to flirt with her.
It may be helpful to find a counselor to work through the root of these thought patterns and learn ways to cope with these feelings. This can create a safe space to express how you feel and your worries without causing strain on your relationship. Give us a call at (833)-274-heal to find a counselor that can help you find relief.
I need help with my insecurities it’s ruining my relationship
Experiencing insecurities within a relationship can be overwhelming. You may greatly benefit from a counselor and personalized plan to tackle the root causes of your insecurities, while gaining coping skills to help you through them without jeopardizing your relationship. Give us a call at (833)-274-heal to get started on finding relief from your insecurities.
What if I’m just too afraid to talk about my insecurities with her. Like I fear she wont respect my feelings and make me seem silly when I know something aint right
The fears about sharing vulnerable feelings with your partner can absolutely feel overwhelming. In order for your feelings to change you may need to either find courage to talk to your partner or talk to a counselor. A counselor can help you dissect why you feel the way you do, ways you can cope and overcome those feelings, and learn how to comfortably communicate with your partner. Remember not to bottle up how you feel and to find someone you trust to talk to about these hard topics.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 6 months. He’s the first boyfriend I’ve had that I’ve experience extreme anxiety and trust issues with. I have slats worried he was cheating, went to his computer after he left the room to his texts and saw a girl that text him back. After that we fought and decided to take a month break to work on ourselves, but to do it single. He stated he was going to not date, just solely work on himself. After only one week he came back to me telling me he’s in love with me & doesn’t want the break anymore. We’re back together but the other day we had some stupid fight, that night we weren’t talking but my friend text me screen shots of a dating profile of his. I sent it to him and he said on our break he downloaded it, deleted the app, but that he must’ve not deleted his profile. He knows I struggle with trust in general (I’m in therapy for it) and he’s worried (we’re both worried) that we can’t come back from this and that I’ll be able to trust that he didn’t just have it downloaded and used the break as an excuse (his words almost, not mine). I have so many doubts. I’m unsure of everything. I can’t tell if he’s untrustworthy or if I’m not trusting.
Hi, Chelsie. Thank you for sharing what you are experiencing with your boyfriend. Sometimes it’s hard to know how to guide others when we get just a piece of the picture in these comments. Based on how distressing this situation seems, I would highly recommend that you make an appointment with one of our counselors who are trained in anxiety therapy. Your counselor can then get the whole picture of the past and present, and from there identify areas that need attention.
Sometimes I feel at peace with my husband but most of the time I live in fear and anxiety that he is looking at or wanting other women or list after their bodies when they are attractive and wear sexy clothing. It started in the beginning of our marriage when he got a call at 1 am from a girl that I didn’t know who she was. Then he had so many notifications from other women on snap chat and he never posted about me on social media and when he goes to see his family and friends I’m not allowed to go bc they’re all men he says. I was on the phone with him the dayi was going to go pick up my ring from being sized and and I heard him say to one of his customers why his crush hasn’t been in to see him I was ready to break up then and I heard him call all the women at his work baby and honey. He stopped doing those things and let me block the girl that called him at 1 am but I still feel incredibly hyper vigilant and insecure so I started digging into his phone like an insane person looking at everything reading everything past and present I never feel comfortable unless it’s just me and him. I’ve also caught him turning his head to look at other women but he says he doesn’t remember doing that. He deleted his snap chat when I asked him to bc I was crying about how I felt about snap chat and all the women he had on there. I stay bc he has seemed to work with me but still gets mad when I try to talk to him about my fears bc he says he won’t ever cheat. Should I leave him I’m so tired of feeling uncomfortable and sad and insecure about myself. I never felt this way before with anyone else. Are we just a bad match?
Hi Tiffany, thanks so much for sharing how you feel and your experiences. It seems like there are some deep root issues that are coming to the surface because of your husbands past and current behaviors. It may be beneficial to talk to a counselor about the root issues causing your anxiety and fear, in addition to understanding boundaries in your relationship. I would highly recommend scheduling an appointment with us if you are in need of a counselor.