Boundaries are the living, flexible limits you set in relationships to protect your energy and give yourself room to grow. Boundaries are not walls. They look different in every relationship, they take practice to get right, and it’s normal for things to feel harder before they feel easier. This guide covers how to set healthy boundaries in relationships with partners, parents, family, friends, and coworkers, plus exercises to build the skill.
Maybe it’s the way your stomach drops when your mom calls, and you already know she needs something… something that you know isn’t quite reasonable to ask of you. Maybe it’s saying “sure, no problem” to your partner when everything in you is screaming that it IS an issue. Maybe it’s that hollow feeling after a work meeting where you volunteered for something you absolutely didn’t have capacity for, again. Whoops!
If so, it might be time to learn how to set healthy boundaries in relationships, starting with the ones closest to you.Boundaries are essential in all types of relationships, especially in close relationships. Healthy boundaries help us to protect our energy and time, while unhealthy boundaries can lead to resentment and anger for both parties.
In this blog post, we will discuss how to set boundaries in five different types of relationships: in romantic relationships, with family members, parents, and friends, and at work. We will also provide specific tips on how to do this effectively.
So buckle up and get ready to learn about how to balance your interests and those of the important people in your life with grace, creativity, and beauty.
What are healthy boundaries in relationships?
What are Boundaries?
Boundaries are the personal limits you communicate to others about what you will and won’t accept in a relationship. Boundaries can be physical (personal space, touch) or emotional (how much you share, how much you give). While healthy boundaries can be flexible and adapt over time, they are always clearly communicated.
The short answer is that boundaries are the limits we set on how people can treat us. They help us protect our physical and emotional space from others. They can be for people with whom we have great relationships, who have our best interests at heart, and equally for those who are hard to get along with. They’re important to allow you to be yourself in relationships by teaching people how to treat you well.
Why are boundaries in relationships so important?
As you probably already know, boundaries are crucial in maintaining healthy relationships. Without them, we often feel used, resentful, and taken for granted. With healthy boundaries in place, we can nurture our relationships without sacrificing our own needs in the process.
From our experience as online therapists, here’s one of the most interesting ways that boundaries can impact you:
Boundaries aren't just about protecting yourself from someone else's behavior. They're also about giving yourself room to step out of patterns that have caused you pain and let you step into who you really are. You need that space just as much as the other person does.
When you're enmeshed in a relationship without limits, you can't always see where their issues end and yours begin. Boundaries let you detach with love, so you can actually show up as yourself instead of disappearing into the relationship.
Now, within boundaries that you make for yourself and your loved ones, there are two common types: physical and emotional:
- You set physical boundaries on how people can physically interact with you. This might include things like personal space, touching, and sexual activity.
- Emotional boundaries are the limits you set on how people can emotionally interact with you. This might include how much you share about your personal life, how much emotional support you give or receive, and how much time you spend with others.
It’s essential to have both types of boundaries in all of your relationships. Figuring out what those boundaries need to be and how to implement them is where things can get tricky.
Differences between healthy and unhealthy boundaries
So, how can you figure out what your boundaries need to be?
We have found that healthy boundaries are firm and flexible. It can be helpful to think of your boundaries less like a concrete wall and more like a living hedge. A wall is rigid, it blocks everything, and nothing grows on it. A hedge? It’s alive. It adapts. In some seasons, it needs to be thicker, bushier. In others, you can trim it back and let more light in. The goal isn’t to barricade your heart. It’s to surround it with something beautiful that still lets life through.
Your boundaries change depending on the situation and the relationship. For example, you have different physical boundaries with your friend than with your romantic partner. Here are some examples of healthy boundaries:
- Taking time for yourself
- Asking for what you need
- Respecting other people’s boundaries
- Setting limits on how much you give emotionally
- Saying “no” when you don’t want to do something
Let’s say you ask your best friend who has great experience with kids to come over for an hour and hold your baby so that you can get that shower that you would give anything for. You love your baby very much, of course, and at the same time, you need that boundary of a little emotional and physical space.
Unhealthy boundaries, on the other hand, are rigid and inflexible. They’re either a concrete wall or they’re like jello. Nobody can get through, or everyone can. This means that they’re either too strict (you never let anyone in) or too lax (you never say no). Neither of these types of boundaries is effective in maintaining healthy relationships.
Here are some examples of unhealthy boundaries:
- Saying “yes” even when you want to say “no”
- Not respecting other people’s boundaries
- Not allowing anyone to get close to you
- Giving too much emotionally
- Neglecting your own needs
Some days, you just don’t feel like you have it in you to honor your physical and emotional boundaries with your baby, so, rather than asking your best friend to hold the baby for an hour while you shower, you try to power through. You and baby just end up more tired and overwhelmed… and you still would really just like to wash that day-four hair.
If you’re not sure whether your boundaries are healthy, ask yourself how you feel after interacting with others. Do you feel used, taken advantage of, or like you’re always giving and never receiving? If so, your boundaries might be too lax. On the other hand, do you feel isolated and cut off from others? If so, your boundaries might be too rigid. Avoid the jello and avoid the concrete.
The goal is to find a balance, that living hedge, that feels comfortable for you.
Now that we’ve talked about what boundaries are and why they’re essential, let’s move on to how we can set them in different types of relationships.
How to set healthy boundaries in relationships (5 types)
As you learn how to stop building walls of concrete or jello and start cultivating that living hedge of boundaries in your life, you will discover that creating healthy relationships helps everyone involved feel comfortable and respected. Here are some tips on how to do this in different types of relationships:
How to set boundaries in a romantic relationship
The first step to building that living hedge around your heart is to have open communication with your spouse or partner about your needs and boundaries. While this can be a tough conversation, it’s necessary to maintain a healthy relationship.
Here are some tips for how to set boundaries in a relationship with your romantic partner:
- Talk about your needs and wants with your partner. Be specific about what you’re comfortable with and what you’re not.
- If your partner does something that violates your boundaries, don’t be afraid to speak up. It’s essential to communicate how their actions make you feel.
- Be willing to compromise on some things without sacrificing your own needs in the process.
- Be aware of screen time and how it’s impacting your relationship. Spending too much time on our phones can lead to disconnection and resentment.
It’s time to pick up the garden shears and have that conversation. Growth in the right direction cannot happen until you communicate where you feel frustrated, hurt, or misunderstood.
How to set boundaries with parents
It can be challenging to set boundaries with parents because they are the people who have cared for you your whole life. Nevertheless, it’s so important to have healthy boundaries with them to maintain a healthy relationship. In fact, when boundaries are crossed in this relationship, there’s a special term for it in online therapy: parentification.
What is parentification? Parentification is a role reversal where a child is expected to meet the emotional or practical needs of a parent, often leading to blurred boundaries and people-pleasing patterns in adulthood.
Whether your story involves parentification, a parent who has trouble letting you be independent, a dad who didn’t know how to be there for you, a mom who had issues with substance abuse, or parents who were overall great, you still need to figure out how to care for your living hedge in that relationship.
Here are some tips for how to set boundaries with your parents:
- Keep the tone upbeat. This isn’t about being angry or accusatory. It’s about communicating your needs in a calm and respectful way.
- Don’t try to change them, just set boundaries for how you want to be treated.
- Don’t feel guilty. You have a right to set boundaries, even with your parents.
- Be prepared for them to push back. It’s okay to stand firm in your convictions.
This can be very challenging and painful. Keep working at it. Find where your boundaries are jello and where they’re concrete, slowly replacing them with that hedge. Then you can move forward, feeling whole and at peace no matter where your parents are.
How to set boundaries with family
Boundaries with family can be tricky (setting boundaries with parents is tricky enough!). This can be especially challenging because we’re often raised to believe that family should always come first. Even so, this isn’t always healthy or realistic.
Family can be very important without swallowing you whole in the process. For a humorous take on this (especially if you’re discouraged around setting boundaries with family), read The Blue Castle by L. M. Montgomery. While Valency generally falls more into the concrete, unhealthy type of boundary, the feeling of liberation she experiences, where she can finally be herself and be happy, is exactly what healthy boundaries should produce in your life too.
Practically, here are some tips for how to set boundaries with your family:
- Don’t be afraid to say “no.” You don’t have to do everything they ask of you.
- Set limits on how much time you’re willing to spend. While it’s okay to give them some of your time and energy, you need to make sure you’re taking care of yourself.
- Establish consequences. Simply let them know if the behavior continues then you’ll have to take a step back.
- Keep communication open. This way, you can resolve any issues that come up and maintain a healthy relationship.
How to set boundaries with friends
While friends are supposed to be the people we can relax and be ourselves with, sometimes even they can cross our boundaries. And, generally, friendships exist on a scale that shifts with where they’re at and where you’re at. Some friends are there for you through thick and thin forever, while others are around for a season and take breaks. Each friendship needs different types of boundaries and different amounts of them.
Here are some tips for how to set boundaries with your friends:
- Talk to your friends about your boundaries. This is essential for maintaining a healthy relationship, even if it might involve a challenging conversation.
- If your friends don’t respect your boundaries, don’t be afraid to speak up. It’s necessary to communicate how their actions make you feel.
- Try to find a balance between hanging out with your friends and taking care of yourself. You can’t pour from an empty cup!
- Make sure to schedule time for yourself, even if it’s just a few minutes each day. This is how you stay connected to your wants and needs.
Your truest friends will be excited for you in the process of setting boundaries and have your back as you do so. They’ll come alongside you with the ice cream when you realize that you have to let that boyfriend go, or the tissues when your parents didn’t get it again (without throwing your parents under the bus).
They are willing to let you have alone time when you need space. The truest friends not only understand that you need a living hedge… they also can have your back as you learn how to bring that hedge into your other relationships.
How to set boundaries at work
As humans, we spend a lot of our time at work, so it’s essential to ensure you have healthy boundaries there – to feel safe and comfortable in that environment.
Here are some tips for how to set boundaries at work:
- If your boss or co-workers don’t respect your boundaries, don’t be afraid to speak up. It’s essential to communicate how their actions make you feel.
- Avoid engaging in gossip. This can create a toxic work environment and lead to conflict.
- Make sure you have a clear understanding of your job duties. This way, you can set limits on how much time and energy you’re willing to invest to prevent burnout.
Even if no one else at work has a living hedge like you do, you can still work on cultivating one. Feeling stronger and safer at work can start today.
What online therapists notice about women figuring out how to set boundaries in a relationship
It might get worse before it gets better. The garden shears create a healthier hedge…though cutting parts off that aren’t serving you well can be painful at first. The people around you are used to the old dynamic. It can take time to adjust. When you change the rules of a relationship, sometimes, there can be pushback, guilt trips, maybe even silence. That doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong and it doesn’t mean that things will always be rockier than they were.
Another important aspect we’ve noticed is that you’re going to mess it up sometimes. And that’s okay. You’ll overcorrect. You’ll set a boundary too harshly, or back down when you didn’t want to. That’s not failure, that’s practice. Every attempt is a chance to learn something about yourself. You’re figuring out how your hedge needs to be to be best for you.
The last factor that’s common is that you don’t have to be perfect to be loveable. You don’t have to carry the entire weight of fixing a relationship on your shoulders. That’s part of why boundaries matter: they let you stop performing and start being. Your family, friends, and community also get to figure out how to treat you and themselves in a way that sets healthy boundaries. It takes two to tango.
Practice your boundaries with these exercises:
Now that you know how to set boundaries in different relationships, it’s time to start practicing! Grab your gardening gear; it’s time to build your living hedge.
Here are a few boundary exercises:
- Use “I” not “You” statements: When communicating your boundaries, use “I” statements. For example, “I need some time alone” or “I’m not comfortable with that.” This will help the other person understand your feelings and what you need from them.
- Visualize your boundary: What does your boundary look like? Where does it start and end? When you have a clear image of your boundary, it will be easier to communicate it to others.
- Role-play: Practice setting boundaries with a friend or family member. Role-playing can help you feel more comfortable and confident when communicating your needs.
- Practice saying no: While this can be challenging, it’s essential for setting healthy boundaries. The more you practice, the easier it will become. You can say things like, “I don’t have the space for that right now,” or “I’m not comfortable with that.”
- Give yourself time to think about it: When someone asks you to do something, it’s okay to say you need some time to think about it. This will give you the opportunity to assess your feelings and decide if it’s something you’re comfortable with.
As we’ve said, this takes time and practice. Gather friends and family around you who will have your back when it gets hard, take deep breaths, and find the balance that’s right for you. Some days, the sun is too hot, you get blisters from how much you need to use the gardening shears, and your back aches. The truth is that once you have put in the work to build your hedge, it will be one of the most beautiful parts of your life and serve you well.
We're here to help you build your living fence by setting boundaries!
If you’re ready to learn how to set healthy boundaries in relationships and you aren’t sure where to start, don’t worry: our Makin Wellness online therapists are here to walk beside you.
Setting boundaries is hard work, and having someone with expertise who has walked with many other women through that process can help you to feel confident and at peace in the process.
Get matched to a counselor that fits your needs and schedule an appointment today.
Watch more videos like this on our YouTube channel!
You don’t have to figure this out alone, and you definitely don’t have to get it perfect. A online counselor can help you find the shape of your own living fence: where it needs to grow thicker, where it can let more light in, and how to tend it with patience instead of panic.
Key takeaways:
- It often gets worse before it gets better. That’s normal, not a sign you’re failing.
- A boundary is a living hedge, not a concrete wall. It adapts with the season.
- Boundaries protect both people in a relationship, not just you from them.
- You don’t have to be perfect at this. Overcorrecting is part of learning.
- Needing boundaries is a normal part of being in any relationship.
Further reading
How to set boundaries FAQs:
Healthy boundaries include saying no without guilt, asking directly for what you need, limiting how much emotional energy you give, and taking time for yourself without apologizing.
In practice, this might look like telling your partner you need 20 minutes alone after work before you’re ready to talk, or letting a family member know you won’t be available for phone calls after 9 PM. The key is that healthy boundaries flex depending on the relationship and the season you’re in.
Guilt is one of the most common responses to setting a new boundary, and it doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong.
The people around you are used to the old dynamic, so when you change the rules, it can feel like you’re being “mean.” You’re not. Remind yourself that boundaries are an act of love for both you and the other person. An online therapist can help you work through the guilt cycle if it feels paralyzing.
Boundaries feel hard because they disrupt patterns that have been running on autopilot, sometimes for years.
You might overcorrect, back down too fast, or feel like things are getting worse instead of better. That’s actually a normal part of the process. Think of it like building a muscle: the first few reps may feel shaky before consistency builds confidence. You don’t have to get it right every time.
Boundaries don’t ruin healthy relationships; they strengthen them. If a relationship can’t survive a reasonable boundary, that’s information worth paying attention to.
Sometimes the other person pushes back because change is uncomfortable, and things stabilize with time. Other times, the resistance reveals that the relationship was built on dynamics that weren’t sustainable. Either way, you deserve relationships where your needs are respected.
While you don’t need online therapy to set boundaries, a counselor can make the process faster and less lonely, especially if your boundary struggles are rooted in childhood patterns.
Many people who intellectually understand boundaries find themselves freezing up in the moment. Online therapy gives you a safe space to practice, process the guilt, and understand why certain relationships make it so hard to say no.
