Limerence is an intense, involuntary longing for another person that can involve obsessive thoughts, a strong desire for reciprocation and emotional dependence on how that person responds to you. Unlike healthy love, limerence can begin to consume your thoughts, feelings and behaviors, often causing you to idealize the other person or experience significant mood changes based on their attention or perceived rejection. Factors such as insecure attachment, trauma, low self-esteem, brain chemistry, and even social media may contribute to limerence. Recognizing these patterns can help you better understand limerence vs love and determine whether your feelings are rooted in a healthy connection or an obsessive cycle that may be worth addressing with an online therapist.
Unrequited love. It is so romantic when you experience it through books, movies, and other stories. From Little Women to He’s Just Not That Into You, you’ve probably discovered that the journey of characters experiencing unrequited love might seem moving and entertaining. In the real world, experiencing it personally over and over again can be frustrating and even disheartening rather than charming.
Limerence is an involuntary state of intense longing and emotional fixation on another person, often involving intrusive thoughts, idealization and a strong desire for reciprocation.
The name for one type of unrequited love that you may find yourself experiencing is “limerence”. In 1979, psychologist Dorothy Tennov defined limerence in her book as “an involuntary interpersonal state that involves an acute longing for emotional reciprocation, obsessive-compulsive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, and emotional dependence on another person.” This idea of limerence vs love came out of her 10 years of groundbreaking research on love.
Tennov’s definition can be broken down as:
- your emotional state when you have an uncontrollable longing for another person;
- this desire for the other person to love you back is characterized by thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that consume your life;
- additionally, your emotions are dependent on whether you feel the other person is accepting of you.
One common misconception about limerence is that it means a relationship is “meant to be.” In reality, limerence can have strong parallels to addiction and may lead us to pursue relationships that aren’t a good fit. When we’re separated from the limerent object, we may also experience withdrawal-like symptoms, such as irritability, depression, or disrupted sleep. These feelings can intensify our desire for the person, even when they’re unavailable.
Intensity isn’t always intimacy
Strong feelings can make a connection feel deep before you truly know the other person. Emotional intensity and emotional intimacy are different. Intimacy develops as two people gradually learn about, trust, and become vulnerable with each other.
What are some causes of limerence?
‘Limerence Object’ (LO)
If you are experiencing limerence, your ‘limerence object’ is the person you become emotionally fixated on, from whom you desire attention, affection, or reciprocation.
Some of the causes of limerence can include:
- Deficiency in serotonin or dopamine (the happy hormones) – Getting attention from your limerence object (LO) can create a surge of those hormones, resulting in an addiction-like high.
- Insecure attachment – Having an anxious or avoidant attachment style can make you prone to limerence. These types of attachment disorders usually occur when you do not form a secure attachment with your main childhood caregiver.
- Trauma – Experiencing any kind of trauma can sometimes make it hard to be by yourself. At that point, you may seek a relationship with anyone who shows you even a small amount of attention.
- Low self-esteem – If you have low self-esteem, believing that the relationship will end in rejection allows you to avoid being vulnerable, since you think that no matter what you do, the relationship will never last. Additionally, this may also fit your belief that you are unworthy or unlovable.
- Social media – There are so many people on various social media platforms who share their lives with the world. Because of this, it can be easy for someone susceptible to limerence to feel very connected to someone you don’t really know.
What are signs of limerence?
The main characteristic of limerence is that you have an uncontrollable desire, akin to obsession, that consumes your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Tennov lists the following as signs of limerence:
- Consistent and intrusive thoughts about the LO.
- The idealization of the LO.
- Constantly being reminded of the LO by different people, places, objects, and situations.
- Fear of being rejected by the LO.
- Mood fluctuations based on the feelings of the LO.
- Overwhelming emotions (mood swings).
- Being awkward, shy, and clumsy around the LO.
- Spending excessive time grooming to impress the LO.
Please note that having a couple of these signs does not mean that you are in limerence. You can fear rejection and be awkward around someone you are truly developing feelings for. If you are concerned because you are experiencing a number of these signs, you may want to talk to a friend or even an online therapist.
Look for the pattern, not just the person
If you find yourself experiencing limerence repeatedly, with different people, focusing only on your current limerence object may miss something important. Therapy can help you explore patterns involving attachment, self-esteem, past experiences, and relationships that may be contributing to the cycle.
The three stages of limerence
Limerence Cycle
The Limerence Cycle refers to the emotional pattern of limerence that typically progresses through three stages: infatuation, crystallization and deterioration. This cycle sometimes repeats with a new person after the original fixation ends.
1. Infatuation
Infatuation starts from a place where you have no particular person whom you are focused on. You simply want to love someone and be loved in return. While this is an understandable emotion,, an extreme desire for love can lead you to choose your LO unwisely.
Next, you find someone whom you feel attracted to, and the limerence phase starts. Your desire to be with the LO forms from a place of physical attraction and quickly transforms into wanting to build a life with the LO. At this point, you either may not know much about the LO, or you may have already spent a lot of time:
- researching the LO online,
- talking to friends or family about the LO,
- learning their schedule, or
- following the LO to places you believe the LO will be to get a chance to talk with the LO.
2. Crystallization
Crystallization is characterized by your limerence emotions reaching their highest point: you have deemed the LO to be the perfect catch. At this point, you may:
- believe that the LO is the solution to all your troubles;
- obsess over your LO;
- overlook any flaws the LO has and maintain that your LO is perfect;
- become desperate for your LO’s attention;
- be so focused on the LO that you have trouble doing your work or hanging out with your friends; or even
- develop dangerous behaviors like stalking or harassing the LO.
Sometimes the LO does reciprocate your feelings, at least for a while. Since limerence is based on uncertainty as to whether the LO is truly committed to you, and since limerence rarely involves choosing someone who is good for you, the situation can quickly turn into an unhealthy feedback loop.
For example, the LO, seeing that you are willing to do almost anything for their approval, may abuse this and give you some of the attention you want just to keep you around as a “placeholder” until someone better comes along.
3. Deterioration
Inevitably, at some point, the limerence dies down and does not give you the same warm, fuzzy feelings. This is very similar to what happens to addicts who get acclimated to a drug and then need more of it to get the same high.
Once the limerence does end, one of two things can happen. You and the LO can either:
- move past the limerence and begin a genuine, reciprocal relationship by:
- getting to know each other better, and
- working through challenges in a healthier way, sometimes with the help of an online therapist, or
- completely end. This can happen in a number of ways, such as:
- the LO flat–out rejects you,
- the LO starts dating or marries someone else,
- you realize that you will never get a chance to meet your LO, especially if it is someone famous, or
- you find someone new to begin the limerence process with.
Rejection doesn’t determine your worth
When your emotions depend heavily on another person’s attention, rejection can feel like evidence that something is wrong with you. It isn’t a measurement of your value. Exploring why another person’s approval carries so much emotional weight can be an important part of breaking the cycle.
What happens after the limerence ends?
Once the limerence cycle ends, there are a number of things that can happen, including:
- as mentioned above, you could find a new person to begin again with;
- you can go through a grief period when you realize that the LO was not who you thought he or she was going to be;
- you may find yourself thinking clearly and better able to focus on the areas of your life that you ignored while in the limerence cycle; and
- you might realize the imperfections that the LO had.
How can you break the Limerence Cycle?
Breaking the cycle starts with recognizing the thoughts and behaviors that keep the fixation going. You can begin by:
- Notice the pattern. Pay attention to how often you think about the person, seek their attention, or replay interactions in your mind.
- Separate facts from assumptions. Ask yourself what you actually know about the person and the relationship versus what you may be imagining or idealizing.
- Reduce behaviors that reinforce the fixation. Repeatedly checking their social media, researching them, or looking for opportunities to see them can keep your attention focused on the person.
- Redirect your attention. Reconnect with your work, friendships, hobbies, and other parts of your life that may have been neglected.
- Look at the underlying pattern. If you experience limerence repeatedly or find that it is interfering with your daily life, an online therapist can help you explore contributing factors and develop healthier ways to manage the cycle.
What are the differences between limerence vs love?
So now that we have addressed what limerence is, let’s look at how it differs from love. One of the main differences when looking at limerence vs love is the object of your affection.
The key difference between limerence and love is that limerence tends to be driven by uncertainty, idealization, and a strong need for reciprocation, while love develops through mutual connection, trust, and genuinely knowing the other person.
As we’ve seen, with limerence, the LO may or may not reciprocate, and chasing the LO is part of the high and obsession that comes with limerence. Yet with love, you seek out someone and find out if there is a chance at a relationship. If you see that there is no chance, you move on; if there is a chance, you develop a relationship.
Another difference is that limerence is based on instability – the constant question of whether the LO is really interested in having a relationship with you. Love is more about finding stability with someone and knowing that you can both build a life together.
Finally, similar to stability, the length of limerence vs love is different. Limerence episodes typically last between 18 months and three years. An episode can end with the dissolution of the obsession with the LO, or it can grow into a healthy relationship and blossom into love.
When should you seek help with Makin Wellness?
Going through endless cycles of limerence can take a toll on you and your self-esteem. There are ways to work through the patterns of limerence that may help with the unhealthy aspects of limerence.
Seeing an online therapist can help you get someone else’s unbiased eyes on your situation and help you determine if it’s limerence or love. This can be an important step since you may not be allowing your friends or family to even know that you have these feelings towards someone.
CBT- and DBT-informed treatment can help address some of the symptoms associated with limerence, including compulsive behaviors, rumination, emotional dysregulation, reassurance seeking, and difficulty managing uncertainty. Treatment can also provide space to explore the patterns that may be contributing to the cycle and develop healthier ways to respond to these thoughts and emotions.
Key Takeaways
- Limerence is an intense, involuntary longing for another person that can involve intrusive thoughts, idealization, and a strong need for that person to return your feelings.
- Limerence vs love often comes down to obsession, reciprocity, and stability. Limerence tends to thrive on uncertainty and the pursuit of another person, while healthy love develops through mutual connection, greater stability, and genuinely knowing one another.
- Limerence commonly progresses through three stages: infatuation, crystallization, and deterioration. Your feelings may intensify into idealization and obsession before eventually diminishing.
- There are several possible signs of limerence, including persistent thoughts about the person, fear of rejection, idealizing the LO, mood swings based on the attention you’re getting, and changing your behavior to gain the LO’s approval.
- Insecure attachment, trauma, low self-esteem, brain chemistry, and social media may contribute to limerence or make you more susceptible to becoming caught in the cycle.
- The end of limerence can lead to different outcomes. You may grieve the relationship you imagined, recognize the other person’s imperfections, repeat the cycle with someone new, or develop a healthier, reciprocal relationship.
- Breaking a recurring limerence cycle may require addressing the patterns underneath it. Online therapy, including approaches such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), can help you examine obsessive thought patterns, understand potential contributing factors, and develop healthier approaches to relationships.
Find out ways to address limerence in your life with Makin Wellness
At Makin Wellness, we want to see you thrive. The cycle of limerence can be exhausting and debilitating. We have online therapists trained in CBT who will walk with you to help you learn how to pursue love over limerence.
There are many options when it comes to getting help. You may want to consider online therapy with Makin Wellness. We can match you with an online therapist who can meet with you in a space of your choosing. Online therapy gives you a comfortable, quiet place to:
- Learn about limerence vs love;
- Practice CBT with professional guidance;
- Build practical coping tools; and
- Set goals that reflect your values.
You deserve to feel empowered in your mental health journey. Your Makin Wellness online therapist is here to help when you’re ready.
If you are unsure whether this kind of treatment is right for you, don’t worry; your online therapist can help answer any questions you have about the possible limerence symptoms you are experiencing. Call us at (833)-274-heal or click here to schedule an appointment with one of our caring online therapists today.
