Do you feel like your voice doesn’t matter or is downplayed in your relationship? Have you experienced fear of your partner’s response if you don’t do exactly what they say? If so, you may be experiencing the tactics of a manipulator.
According to the Cambridge Dictionary, a manipulator is defined as controlling someone or something to your own advantage, often unfairly or dishonestly. Sometimes, the control can be subtle, causing you to question whether it is all in your head. Other times it can be very aggressive and lead to fear and trauma.
This post will outline the 6 ways to outsmart a manipulator, plus a step-by-step action plan to implement our guide. By following the tips outlined in this article, you can learn to stay vigilant and aware of the tactics a manipulator may use so you can protect yourself from future abuse.
1. Understand the Techniques of a Manipulator
Understanding the techniques of a manipulator and being able to identify them quickly can be tricky. It requires thoughtfulness, an understanding of human behavior, and a willingness to stay vigilant. To help you better understand the techniques of manipulators and how to identify them quickly, here are some tips:
Pay attention to their words and actions.
Manipulative people often use subtle language to control or manipulate the situation.
A manipulator might use phrases like:
- “You’re too sensitive.”
- “You made me do this.”
- “You owe it to me.”
- “Do it, or else… (they don’t usually finish this sentence)
- “This is part of our agreement.”
- “If you care about me/us, you’ll do this.”
- “I know what’s best for you.”
- “I said sorry already! Don’t bring that up again!”
- “You’re overreacting!”
There are also phrases used for a specific purpose, like trying to seem non-threatening, so you’ll be more likely to give in to their antics. “I don’t mean to be judgmental” and “What do you think I should do?” are examples of non-threatening phrases used often.
Recognize the signs of manipulation.
Pinpointing manipulative behavior is pretty simple when you know what to look for. The person’s actions are transparent and obvious because they are often arrogant by nature.
Manipulators often use tactics like:
- Using humor or belittling others to make themselves appear superior.
- Showing overly protective behavior, even when it’s not needed.
- Consistently trying to change the conversation topic back to their preferences.
- Not actively listening but instead just waiting for their turn to talk or deflect blame onto someone/something else.
- Saying one thing while meaning another, then denying it later if confronted about it.
- Asking ‘leading’ questions to get what they want from the conversation.
- Repeatedly asking personal questions as an attempt to gain trust.
- Acting overly defensive when challenged.
- Make you feel guilty about not doing what they want.
- Throwing out questions rapidly without allowing time for answers.
- Interrupting conversations mid-sentence.
By understanding the classic words and techniques a manipulator uses, you can protect yourself from being taken advantage of.
2. Be Aware of Body Language
Body language can reveal a lot about how we feel, and this can be used against us by someone trying to assert power over us. It’s important to be aware of your body language when dealing with a manipulative person to stay in control of the situation.
How your body language conveys insecurity and powerlessness:
- Crossed arms
- Avoiding direct eye contact
- Slouching or “shrinking” posture
- Fidgeting and avoiding physical touch
- Nervous laughter or talking too quickly
- Shifting around in your seat, rocking back and forth, or wringing your hands
- Not speaking up when it’s your turn to talk
- Speaking in a low tone of voice
- Apologizing for things that don’t require an apology
- Quickly changing the subject away from yourself
In addition to your body language being used against you, the abuser’s body language has a major effect on the situation as well.
How a manipulator tries to overpower you:
- Standing or sitting too close to you
- Making direct eye contact and not breaking it
- Speaking in a low, authoritative tone of voice
- Pointing their finger at you when speaking
- Intimidating posture with arms crossed and head held high
- Moving around the room while talking to maintain control of the situation
- Leaning into you as if they are trying to dominate the conversation
- Using physical actions like pointing, gesturing, or poking
A manipulator might use subtle shifts in their body language — such as making eye contact for too long or using a raised voice — to scare or intimidate them into doing what they want.
Remember that body language can also show your abuser that you won’t fall prey to their devious antics.
Body language that helps you stay in control of a situation:
- Keep your body relaxed and open
- Maintain direct eye contact
- Stand or sit with an upright, tall posture
- Use hand gestures to emphasize points
- Point your feet towards the person when talking
- Nod your head occasionally to show agreement or understanding
- Take pauses during the conversation, and don’t be afraid to take up space
- Avoid fidgeting and avoid responding too quickly
When used, these tips can show your abuser they cannot easily have power over you with a change in body language. To learn more on how to read body language, click here to learn more.
3. Be Confident
Similar to body language, remaining confident shows itself in many ways. How your body is aligned, the words you say in response to theirs, and even the energy you give can either invite or deter potential manipulation.
Do you know the kryptonite of a manipulator? It’s when their target has confidence. If you are confident in who you are, what you think and feel, and how you respond to their antics, you are less likely to be affected by their efforts.
Tips for being confident:
- Respect yourself and your opinions
- Speak up when something is not right or fair
- Don’t be afraid to take risks
- Surround yourself with positive people who will support and encourage you
- Practice self-care regularly by taking time out for yourself each day
- Be kind to yourself and have positive self-talk
- Follow through with what you say you’ll do (this includes what you say to yourself)
- Trust your Gut
- Stand tall
- Know your value
It can take time to practice these tips, but progress is key to solidifying the confidence you feel at your core.
4. Ask Clarifying Questions
Expressing disagreement diplomatically and asking clarifying questions can be powerful tools for deterring a manipulator. It allows you to reframe what each person said to ensure understanding and provide space to make the words spoken sink in.
If they make a statement:
When they say things that feel confusing or especially hurtful to you, ask them questions to clarify. By asking a question, you give yourself time to process the situation before reacting and also make them rephrase their aggressive words.
If you make a statement:
Try asking them questions to ensure they have heard what you said. This will help ensure they understand what you’re saying and show you believe in your words. This effort to confirm their understanding also prevents them from being able to say you didn’t say something later on.
Finally, try to express disagreement using diplomatic language. This will demonstrate that you understand their point of view, but you still disagree with it. Additionally, you show confidence in your beliefs and opinions by expressing your opinion.
5. Focus on Facts
It can be difficult to focus on facts rather than feelings when dealing with a manipulative person, especially if you feel intimidated and belittled. It is important to recognize that while it is natural to respond emotionally, staying in control of the conversation and not allowing yourself to be drawn into their games will help ensure your boundaries are respected.
Keep the conversation focused on facts and avoid getting caught up in your emotions. You can also try using “I” statements to ensure your feelings are heard without attacking the other person or accusing them of wrongdoing. This will help you remain diplomatic while standing up for yourself.
They cannot intimidate you if you don’t give in to their emotional ploys. By sticking to factual statements, you are refusing to be a pawn in their games.
6. Keep Your Cool
It can be difficult to stay calm and composed when dealing with a manipulative person. Manipulators often try to get a rise out of you, using tactics like belittling or intimidating you to assert control over the situation. These attacks naturally make us feel defensive and argumentative, but that response is a win for them.
A plan will help you keep cool and think rationally about your next steps rather than getting caught up in their abusive game.
Here is our 6-part action plan to regaining your power and outsmarting a manipulator:
1. Know your triggers
Identify the situations or words that most often make you defensive and reactive. A manipulator will use this information against you. If you can think about what triggers you the most, you can preemptively learn not to be so affected by them. When they try to use it during a heated conversation, those words will not give up your power so easily.
2. Practice self-control
Take time to practice controlling your emotions when presented with difficult situations. This may include delaying your response or allowing someone to run their mouth a bit, even if what they say is untrue and unkind. Controlling your emotions doesn’t mean you don’t respond; it just means you control when and how you respond.
3. Have an exit plan.
Be familiar with what steps you can take if things become too much. An exit plan could mean asking for a break or leaving the house so you can get some space. Often, it can feel scary to use your exit plan for fear of what they will say. Remember, you get to choose how people talk to you, and you can leave if they don’t respect your boundaries.
Also, a support group can be pivotal in following through with an exit plan. Send a text or meet up with someone who knows your situation and can offer validation or a safe space when interacting with the manipulator becomes too much. If you feel your physical safety is threatened, try to find a safe place and dial 911.
4. Remind yourself of your value.
No matter how they attempt to manipulate you, you can still assert your rights. Your value, lovability, and importance are inherent. You may feel quite the opposite if you have been belittled for a long time, but what they say is simply false.
5. Take a deep breath or two.
Taking time to breathe deeply after being triggered can help you to remember how you want to respond instead of responding emotionally to their attacks. It also takes up space in the conversation, which shows them that you are important and don’t feel rushed or pressured to respond immediately.
6. Write a script for yourself.
Come up with some common phrases or sentences you can regularly use to deflect manipulative tactics. For example, if they belittle or talk down to you, try saying something like, “I hear what you’re saying. However, I feel differently about this and would appreciate your respecting my opinion.”
If you practice these responses, it may become easier to respond in ways you know will help you keep your power and not be so affected by fear, obligation, or guilt.
Developing a plan for handling difficult conversations will help you stay in control of the situation. This will give you the power to keep your cool and respond appropriately instead of letting them take over.
Conclusion
The key to dealing with a manipulator is to be aware of their tactics and have a plan for how you can respond. By being mindful of your reactions and utilizing the above strategies, you will be more likely to remain in control of the conversation.
Ultimately, this will help you regain your power from manipulative people and allow you to stand up for yourself. You can learn the skills needed to handle difficult conversations with practice and patience.
If you have dealt with a manipulative person for a long time, it may be beneficial to have someone talk through your experiences, help you to see your worth, and help you learn the skills (like in this blog post) in a supportive environment.
If you would like individualized guidance to take back your power from a manipulative relationship, find your licensed counselor here. We have licensed professional counselors who specialize in your unique needs and help you learn the skills to help you live your best, most confident life. Once you choose your counselor, start here to make an appointment, or call us to start your healing journey.
This Post Has 7 Comments
I (with all my heart) appreciate the time, patience and the nurturing guidance that you all provided. It really feels good to see that I am not alone in this, and that there are people/sources out here that really care about my situation and are truly working hard to help my situation and find a resolution! Thanks for everything that you do!🙏🏾
This truly enlightened me, and has made me aware of what exactly manipulation is. I plan on being more in control of my emotions, and using even bigger words. I also plan on standing up for myself.
Thank you for your comment, Arnel. You are taking major steps to become self-aware, take ownership of your reactions, and to value yourself by standing up for your feelings against manipulation. I’m glad you found the article helpful. Check out some of our other content on topics that you are interested for more helpful tips.
Thanks for your information on how to arm yourself against a Narc. I googled and found your page. I will use it to help me prepare. I am going to write this and keep it handy within my Journal.
Writing down information to remember and reinforce it later is a great idea, Fiona. I’m glad you can now feel confident to protect yourself against potential manipulators. Knowing how to recognize the signs of a narcissist is half the battle.
I have a manipulative situation that won’t stop a family member.help help!
If you are in need of urgent help, call a crisis hotline like National Domestic Violence Hotline. Their number is 888-799-7233 and they are available 24/7. If someone is in physical danger, dial 911, or call your local emergency number for immediate help. If you would like personalized help, I recommend making an appointment with one of our therapists to better understand your situation and help you in the best way possible.