In recent years, the phrase weaponized incompetence has become a buzzword in conversations about household labor, workplace dynamics, and relationship struggles. The term describes the behavior where one person pretends that they are unable to perform a task properly, as a way to manipulate those around them into fulfilling their responsibilities for them. This leaves others responsible for more than they should be, and resentment can fester.
Weaponized incompetence can be a painful and frustrating experience for those on the receiving end. Whether you are managing a household, navigating a workplace team, or caring for a romantic partnership, weaponized incompetence can corrode trust and inhibit productivity. By naming this behavior, you can better understand it, recognize when it is happening, and build healthier boundaries.
What is Weaponized Incompetence?
When we talk about the meaning of weaponized incompetence, we are referring to situations where someone continues to, whether consciously or unconsciously, downplay their ability to do something in order to avoid doing what they are asked to do. They feign incompetence, then use their ‘incompetence’ to showcase to others that they cannot be trusted or should not be expected to do certain tasks.
Some examples look like:
- Your partner leaves some of the dishes dirty whenever they are asked to wash them, making you feel like you have to wash the dishes every time instead of asking them to do it.
- Your coworker insists they are “bad with technology,” pushing you to have to oversee all of their work or do some for them.
- Your family member tries to convince you that you’re simply better at cleaning than they are, that they’re not really sure how to do it, so you should be the one to do it instead.
Even though the incompetence can be either intentional manipulation or an unconscious habit, the effect is the same: you are saddled with the work while the other person avoids accountability.
Where Weaponized Incompetence Shows Up
1. In Families
You may notice children or siblings who say that they don’t know how to complete simple chores, and expect you to do things for them. This is especially painful when caregivers, often mothers, already carry most of the mental and physical work.
2. In Workplaces
Colleagues may give the appearance of not having all of the skills to complete their work by acting unfamiliar with procedures or technology, leaving you to take on what needs to be done. This behavior can be incredibly frustrating, and make your workload heavier than it needs to be.
3. In Romantic Relationships
The most painful, and seemingly common, expressions of weaponized incompetence happen between romantic partners. It is incredibly frustrating when one partner continually feigns incapability. You may feel taken for granted, degraded, and undervalued, or like you have a child to take care of rather than a partner.
Why Weaponized Incompetence Damages Relationships
If you have been on the receiving end of weaponized incompetence, you may feel:
- Unappreciated: It feels like others don’t see all of the effort and energy it takes for you to get your own tasks done, so they put things on your plate without considering how you’ll feel about it.
- Exhausted: It can be exhausting to have so much on your to-do list, and you may feel resentful that you also have things to do that other people should have done.
- Invalidated: You may wonder if you are expecting too much of others or being too demanding, even though you know others are perfectly capable of handling their responsibilities.
This experience is real and painful. It can disrupt trust in relationships when someone around you is using weaponized incompetence to get out of doing things you need them to do. Naming weaponized incompetence is not about nitpicking—it is about acknowledging that your needs are being ignored.
Being able to recognize and call out weaponized incompetence is one step in being able to talk to others about what you are seeing. We also need to recognize why someone may be acting this way to confront the damaging behavior.
Why Do People Display Weaponized Incompetence?
Not everyone who demonstrates incompetence is acting maliciously. Sometimes, this behavior stems from underlying issues. It is important to be able to recognize what is happening in the people around you so that you can better understand and approach them about their behavior. Some reasons people may display weaponized incompetence are:
- They are worried that they will not do well at the task that is being asked of them, so they would rather have someone else do it than fail.
- They genuinely do not have the confidence to do what is being asked of them, and they don’t want to embarrass themselves.
- They are not used to having responsibilities or they grew up in an environment where others frequently did things for them.
- There are other things that they find more important than what is being asked of them, so they want to shift the responsibility.
- They simply do not want to do the task, and want you to do it for them.
While understanding the “why” behind weaponized incompetence matters, it doesn’t excuse the behavior. Regardless of intent, the impact can still harm you.
Is This Behavior Weaponized or Genuine Incompetence?
It is difficult to discern someone’s underlying motivations. Here are some questions to ask to assess the situation:
- Do they repeatedly fail at the same task, even after you’ve explained or demonstrated it?
- Have they succeeded at this task before, only to suddenly start failing? This may reveal the intention behind their actions.
- Have they explained their misunderstandings about the task, or seem to genuinely want to do better?
- Are they “bad” only at tasks they dislike, yet capable in other complex areas?
- Is there a certain type of task that they seem to either succeed or fail at continuously? This may highlight a strength or weakness of theirs.
- Is there a certain type of task that they seem to either succeed or fail at continuously? This may highlight a strength or weakness of theirs.
- When asked to try again, do they actually do it, or do they procrastinate?
- Do they mock or belittle you for asking them to try again?
- Do they mock or belittle you for asking them to try again?
- Do they explain why they have failed to complete the task, or do they give vague excuses?
- Do they say things like, “you’re just better at this than me”, or “I never do it right, so why don’t you do it”?
Considering these questions may help you assess whether or not someone is genuine in their difficulty to complete a task, or if they are feigning incompetence to get you to do something that they, for whatever reason, don’t want to do.
How to Respond to Weaponized Incompetence
It can be uncomfortable to tell someone that you think they are weaponizing their incompetence, or feigning incompetence to shirk their responsibilities. Regardless of what the situation may be, it is important that you communicate well so that the cycle can end.
1. Communicate Clearly
Name what you are noticing. Use “I” statements to avoid immediate defensiveness, while still addressing the imbalance. For example:
- “I feel frustrated that I keep getting left to organize these spreadsheets. I need us to share this responsibility.”
2. Set Boundaries
Setting firm boundaries ensures that shirking responsibilities will not be rewarded. For example:
- “I know you don’t like folding laundry. I already have a lot to take care of around the house, so I can’t help you with this. If it’s not folded, it will stay unfolded until you handle it.”
Check out this blog post for a more in-depth guide on setting boundaries for different relationships in your life.
3. Address Motivations Directly
If you can understand why the behavior is happening, you can tailor your response.
- If it’s avoidance: “I know that handling the bills isn’t your favorite task. Since we both live here, we need to contribute equally.”
- If it’s fear of failure: “It doesn’t have to be perfect—what matters is that we both try.”
- If they are not used to having responsibilities: “I realize this task was not something you’d been asked to do before. If this is going to be a fair partnership, I need you to contribute.”
- If it’s manipulation: “I see that you’re acting like you don’t know how to clean the litter box to get me to do it for you. That is not going to work.”
For further guidance, we recommend reading our 6-Step Guide to Outsmarting a Manipulator, which provides concrete tools for navigating manipulative dynamics.
The Bigger Picture
Navigating relationships where someone is displaying weaponized incompetence is hard, and the behavior can be incredibly draining. It is not easy to confront weaponized incompetence, and it can feel overwhelming to set boundaries on your own. While it may be uncomfortable initially, it is possible for you to have clear conversations about this kind of behavior and see those relationships mended.
At Makin Wellness, we understand how complex and tiring these relationship dynamics can be. Online therapy offers a safe space to explore these challenges, build communication strategies, and regain balance in your relationships. If you are ready to reclaim your peace of mind and create healthier dynamics, we invite you to start online therapy with Makin Wellness today.
