Unrequited love. It is so romantic when experienced through books, movies, and other stories. From Little Women to He’s Just Not That Into You, the journey of characters experiencing unrequited love might seem moving and entertaining. In the real world, however, experiencing it personally over and over again can be frustrating and even disheartening.
One name for a type of unrequited love is “limerence”. In 1979, psychologist Dorothy Tennov defined limerence as “an involuntary interpersonal state that involves an acute longing for emotional reciprocation, obsessive-compulsive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, and emotional dependence on another person.” This came out of her 10 years of groundbreaking research on love.
Tennov’s definition can be broken down:
- as the emotional state of an individual who has an uncontrollable longing for another person;
- this desire for the other person to love them back is characterized by thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that consume the person’s life;
- additionally, the person’s emotions are dependent on whether they feel the other person is accepting of them.
Causes of Limerence
Some of the causes of limerence can include:
- Deficiency in serotonin or dopamine (the happy hormones). Getting attention from your limerence object (LO) can create a surge of those hormones, resulting in an addiction-like high.
- Insecure attachment – Having an anxious or avoidant attachment style can make you prone to limerence. These types of attachment disorders usually occur when you do not form a secure attachment with your main childhood caregiver.
- Trauma – Experiencing any kind of trauma can sometimes make it difficult to be by yourself. At which point, you may seek a relationship with anyone who shows you even a small amount of attention.
- Low self-esteem – If you have low self-esteem, believing that the relationship will end in rejection allows you to avoid being vulnerable, since you think that no matter what you do, the relationship will never last. Additionally, this may also fit your belief that you are unworthy or unlovable.
- Social media – There are so many people on various social media platforms who share their lives with the world. Because of this, it can be easy for someone susceptible to limerence to feel very connected to someone they don’t really know.
Signs of Limerence
The main characteristic of limerence is that you have an uncontrollable desire, akin to obsession, that consumes your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Tennov lists the following as signs of limerence:
- Consistent and intrusive thoughts about the LO.
- The idealization of the LO.
- Constantly being reminded of the LO by different people, places, objects, and situations.
- Fear of being rejected by the LO.
- Mood fluctuations based on the feelings of the LO.
- Overwhelming emotions (mood swings).
- Being awkward, shy, and clumsy around the LO.
- Spending excessive time grooming to impress the LO.
The Three Stages of Limerence
1. Infatuation
Infatuation starts from a place where you have no particular person whom you are focused on. You simply want to love someone and be loved in return. This is an understandable emotion, but unfortunately, your extreme desire for love can lead you to choose your LO unwisely.
Then you find someone whom you feel attracted to, and the limerence phase starts. Your desire to be with the LO forms from a place of physical attraction and quickly transforms into wanting to build a life with the LO. At this point, you either may not know much about the LO, or you may have already spent a lot of time:
- researching them online,
- talking to friends or family about them,
- learning their schedule, or
- following them to places you believe they’ll be to get a chance to talk with the LO.
2. Crystallization
Crystallization is characterized by your limerence emotions reaching their highest point: you have deemed the LO to be the perfect catch. At this point, you may:
- believe that the LO is the solution to all your problems;
- reach a point of obsession with your LO;
- overlook any flaws they have and maintain that they are perfect;
- become desperate for your LO’s attention;
- be so focused on the LO that you have trouble doing your work or hanging out with your friends; or
- develop dangerous behaviors like stalking or harassing the LO.
Sometimes the LO does reciprocate your feelings, at least for a while. Since limerence is based on uncertainty as to whether the LO is truly committed to you, and because someone in limerence doesn’t always choose someone who is good for them, the situation can turn into an unhealthy feedback loop.
The LO, seeing that you are committed to them and will do almost anything for their approval, may abuse this and give you some of the attention you want just to keep you around as a “placeholder” until someone better comes along.
3. Deterioration
Inevitably, at some point, the limerence dies down and does not give you the same warm, fuzzy feelings. This is very similar to what happens to addicts who get acclimated to a drug and then need more of it to get the same high.
Once the limerence does end, one of two things can happen. You and the LO can either:
- move past the limerence and begin a genuine, reciprocal relationship by:
- getting to know each other better, and
- working through problems in a healthier way, sometimes with the help of a therapist, or
- completely end. This can happen in a number of ways, such as:
- the LO flat out rejects you,
- the LO starts dating or marries someone else,
- you realize that you will never get a chance to meet your LO, especially if they are famous, or
- you find someone new to begin the limerence process with.
What Happens After the Limerence Ends?
Once the limerence cycle ends, there are a number of things that can happen, including:
- as mentioned above, you could find a new person to begin again with;
- you can go through a grief period when you realize that the LO was not who you thought they were going to be;
- you may find yourself thinking clearly and better able to focus on the areas of your life that you ignored while in the limerence cycle; and
- you might realize the imperfections that the LO had.
Limerence vs Love
So now that we have addressed what limerence is, let’s look at how it differs from love. One of the main differences when looking at limerence vs love is the object of your affection. As we’ve seen, with limerence, the LO may or may not reciprocate, and chasing the LO is part of the high and obsession that comes with limerence. With love, however, you seek out someone and find out if there is a chance at a relationship. If you see that there is no chance, you move on.
Another difference is that limerence is based on instability – the constant question of whether the LO is really interested in having a relationship with you. Love is more about finding stability with someone and knowing that you can both build a life together.
Finally, similar to stability, the length of limerence vs love is different. Limerence episodes typically last between 18 months and three years. These can end with the dissolution of the obsession with the LO, or they can grow into a healthy relationship and blossom into love.
Seeking Help with Makin Wellness
Going through endless cycles of limerence can take a toll on you and your self-esteem. There are ways to work through the patterns of limerence that may help with the negative aspects of limerence.
Seeing a therapist can help you get someone else’s unbiased eyes on your situation and help you determine if it’s limerence vs love. This can be an important step since you may not be allowing your friends or family to even know that you have these feelings towards someone.
Traditionally, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) has been the most successful treatment for limerence. CBT sessions can provide you with a place to discuss not only your current LO, but also some of the reasons you might be susceptible to the obsession of the limerence cycle.
Find out ways to address limerence in your life with Makin Wellness.
At Makin Wellness, we want to see you thrive. The cycle of limerence can be exhausting and debilitating. We have therapists trained in CBT who will walk with you to help you learn how to choose love over limerence.
There are many options when it comes to getting help. You may want to consider online therapy with Makin Wellness. We can match you with a therapist who can meet with you in a space of your choosing. Online therapy gives you a comfortable, quiet place to:
- Learn about limerence vs love;
- Practice CBT with professional guidance;
- Build practical coping tools; and
- Set goals that reflect your values.
You deserve to feel empowered in your mental health journey. Your Makin Wellness therapist is here to help when you’re ready. If you are unsure whether this kind of treatment is right for you, don’t worry, your therapist can help answer any questions you have about the overanalyzing symptoms you are experiencing. Call us at (833)-274-heal or click here to schedule an appointment with one of our caring online therapists today.
